It's my birthday. The big 4-0. I didn't post a New Year round-up/resolutions post because, well, I didn't. So I'm going to do it now, all balled up with my holy-shit-I'm-40 post. I may decide this is too much personal information, at which point I'll take it down. *shrug*
I started this blog as part of an exercise in expressing my voice. There's a backstory, of course, but the upshot was feeling that everyone elses' stuff and voices were more important than my own. That I didn't matter. Sounds bleak, and it sucked. It's not a "poor me" thing; just how it was. Some of it was taught to me by others when I didn't know better, some of it was self-imposed as survival strategies that became less effective over time, and some of it was tied up in low self-esteem issues. I was getting by, and I thought that was enough.
In my 38th year, with my eye on the Impending Forty and catalyzed by a series of events that I have a hard time passing off as merely coincidental, I had a good hard look at my life. And I didn't like it. I wanted more... to be happy, for one. To pursue my interests. To find my voice. I poked my head out of the tiny little existence I'd built for myself, and holy shit, there's a whole amazing world out there!
I made a lot of changes. Left a long term relationship. Got back into reading and researching. Cultivated a social life. Applied for grad school. Piped up and pissed a few people off. Piped up and apparently scared a few people off. Piped up and got misunderstood some. Piped up and made some new friends both in person, via email, and in blog-land. Piped up and met some great people both within my field and in others that share similar research interests (also in person, via email, and in blog-land). Started taking pictures again. Had FUN! Ups and downs -- deaths, divorce negotiations, good days and bad days, neighbors who shovel their snow behind my car, health scares.
Overall, though, life is pretty good. I laid a lot of groundwork over the past couple of years, and things are looking up.
My resolutions for 2011 and my 40th year:
- Speak up
- Speak out
- Do things that scare me
- Get out of my head and into the world
They served me well last year, so I'm dragging them out this year too. Ya gotta do what works, ya know?
5 comments:
Happy Birthday! 40 is pretty awesome. My aunt told me that women are entering the height of their powers at 40, and she hasn't been wrong.
Aw, I just saw it was your birthday...sorry I'm late.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dearest Diggsy. Hope you celebrated in much style.
*launches ballons*
*unpops champagne*
*throws confetti*
*toasts you*
The 40s are pretty cool -- I agree with Clio. :)
That should say "ballOOns.
Unless...wait...maybe balloons with unicorns on them are, um, ballons? Yeah, that's what I meant! ;)
Wishing you the happiest of birthdays (albeit, belatedly, you sneak!). Putting this in my calendar so I may pester you next year at this time. Great post. It took me many, many years to realize that I was entitled (and I choose that word purposefully) to be happy. F everybody else, and happy 40th. May it be your best year yet... :)
Thanks, all :)
So far, so good!
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